07 Secret
by innocent passerby
Summary: AlEd 25 Titles: Alphonse thinks about his secret...


Alphonse Elric had a secret, and it was something that he couldn't afford to let anyone know, not even Edward; no, especially not Edward. This secret was the one thing that kept him going through the lonely nights when he was in the armor body that couldn't sleep/ This secret entertained him when he was feeling down. This secret was the light at the end of the dark tunnel he was traveling through. He might confess his secret to Edward someday. Maybe it would be the day he'd be restored, but not before that. Maybe not even then. It would depend on how Edward hugged him for the first time.

His secret started with bored fiddling and watching. When the lights went out and Edward slept, it was piercingly lonely before he discovered this little secret, but once he did discover it, he enjoyed the nights as much as he enjoyed the days.

His little secret started as a simple fascination at watching his brother, both sleeping and awake. Seeing Edward grow infront of him was a minor consolation of his inability to grow. He noticed when Edward's muscles started filling out more from his training and how his hair would get into his eyes when he had his head down concentrating on a good book. He found something aesthetic about the way Edward's clothes would fold when he would bed or shift positions.

He liked to watch Edward when he'd experience emotions, even the smallest ones. He liked to see when Edward was surprised or embarrassed when he'd flush and shift his gaze about, but always he would look back at the thing or person that had embarrassed him. He liked to see when his brother became enraged over the fact that he was short; no, vertically challenged.

He didn't like to see Edward when he was sad, though. He didn't like to see that distant look in Ed's eyes when he'd ask about their mother. He didn't like to see Ed's cheeks flush with streaks of wet from his tears. He didn't like to hear the sound of his brother's torn heart in his sobs. He didn't like to see that pasted on, carefree exterior, either. He wanted his brother's smile to be real, and it was sometimes. He could tell the difference between Edward's real smile and fake smile. With the fake smile, Edward's eyes were still sad and distant. It was the smile Edward used to make others feel better, but it only made him feel worse. He wished his brother would just show him how he felt without the mask, but in a way, that was what Edward was doing.

Al liked to watch his brother when he was sleeping most. That was when he'd sprawl lazily in the chair as he was reading, or when he'd doze on their long train rides, or huddle up under his blanket when it was cold. Al liked watching when Edward was having pleasnat dreams, when that real smile would creap across his face. Al didn't like when Edward had nightmares and woke up sweating, screaming, or crying, but he was glad that he could be there to comfort his brother and tell him that everything was going to be fine in the end.

Sometimes when Edward was asleep, he'd imagine that he magically became human again, and he would sneak into bed next to Edward to surprise him. In his fantasies, Edward would be so happy and emotional about his restoration that he would be smothered in tender kisses until they both had to pause to catch their breath. He imagined Edward hugging him so close that there was no way for him to escape the warm pressure of their bodies pressed together, even if he wanted to. Then they would kiss somemore and move together like they were one.

Sometimes, the real Edward would be having his other dreams; the ones where he would move about under his covers and make noises of secret pleasure. Al liked to think that it was him that Edward was dreaming about, sometimes he even thought that he heard a muffled 'Aru' from his sleeping brother, but he didn't know if it was real Edward of fantasy Edward.

Whenever real Edward was having those dreams at the same time Al was with fantasy Edward, he would feel some kind of sensation. It wasn't a solid, physical sensation, but it was as close as he had made it since he was in this body. It was like a liquid wave through him that somehow shook his core. It left him feeling cheerful and relaxed, and it seemed to do the same for real Edward. He often wondered if this was what love felt like; if it was, then he understood why people fell in love.

This was his little secret and he didn't want to risk losing it. That's why he couldn't tell Edward. He was worried that it might make Edward put up new, special barriers designed for him, so he couldn't see through to Edward's real emotions or watch him while he was sleeping. He was worried it would take away his hope to be able to touch Edward once he was restored in those ways he imagined. It was a secret, his secret, and it was going to stay that way.


End file.
